Earlier this month, Sen. Rob Portman, R-Ohio, endorsed same-sex “marriage.” In a March 15
column for the
Columbus Dispatch, Portman reported that he changed his position after his son told him he was a homosexual.
“I wrestled with how to reconcile my Christian faith with my desire for
Will to have the same opportunities to pursue happiness and fulfillment
as his brother and sister. Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s
overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all
children of God,” he wrote.
Portman’s announcement comes in the wake of similar declarations from
other public officials who have children with same-sex attraction.
To better understand the challenges faced by families like Portman’s,
Register senior editor Joan Frawley Desmond spoke with Father Paul
Check, the director of
Courage.
Courage is an apostolate for persons with same-sex attraction who seek
to live in accordance with Church teaching and the families and spouses
of persons with same-sex attraction.
As attempts at the “redefinition of marriage” gain ground, Father
Check explains why people still come to seek help from Courage and why
the Church will not retreat from its teaching about the meaning and
purpose of sexuality and of marriage.
Since 2008, you have directed Courage. You also served as a Courage chaplain in 2003. Tell me about the apostolate’s mission.
Let me say first that I am most edified by the men and women of
Courage, whose instinct to trust the Church in something very difficult
is such a light in a confused time. They are the ones who have taught me
most about same-sex attraction and that the teaching of the Church can
be lived in a joyful and peaceful way without minimizing the struggle.
Courage is an apostolate of the Church. In a practical, concrete and
personal way, it is an expression of the Church’s pastoral charity
toward men and women who have a homosexual inclination and to their
parents, spouses or other family members.
The work of Courage is to enflesh the Gospel message in a particular
group of people with a certain understanding of themselves and in those
who love this group of people.
The word most closely associated with the Catholic Church and
homosexuality in the civil order and within the Church is the word “No.”
It is true, an erotic attraction to a member of the same sex cannot be
acted upon. The Church does say “No” to that.
Yet the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the Gospel of “Yes” — yes to all
people, yes to a universal invitation to the fullness of life in Christ,
while understanding that Jesus told us that there are some actions that
are incompatible with that new life.
You also work closely with the families of persons with same-sex
attraction. Recently, Sen. Rob Portman, R-Ohio, said that his son’s
admission to him as a homosexual person led him to change his position
on same-sex “marriage.” That response has become increasingly common.
The Golden Rule instructs us to treat others as we desire to be
treated. However, the Golden Rule is not the foundation of Christian
moral teaching. I could have a confused idea of how I would like people
to treat me, and so my understanding of how the Golden Rule should be
applied could also be confused. A person may seek loving affirmation for
choices that are inconsistent with the gift of his or her humanity.
To properly understand the Golden Rule, we must begin with the words of Christ: “Love one another as I have loved you.”
Today, people increasingly view sexual inclinations as separate
from a person’s sex and the power of the sexual faculty. What do you
tell your members and their families who are asked to affirm this new
vision?
Chesterton, in his book
Orthodoxy, asks, “How does a man born upside down know when he is right side up?”
There are those who oppose the natural law and say, “We don’t like this
idea of a design because it implies a ‘designer’ who would in someway
constrain our freedom.”
Salvation history tells us that our first parents also rebelled against
God, and said, “You are not our Father, and we are not your children.”
They tried to create a new identity. And that has left us with the
burden of original sin and concupiscence.
That interior turmoil is still in the heart of man, and it is experienced by all people throughout human history. In
The Phaedrus,
Plato uses the figure of a chariot with two horses pulling in opposite
directions to explain an interior disjunction he feels right down to the
core of this being. He lived in 400 B.C., but explains what we know to
be true as Christians.
In Roman 7, St. Paul writes that "the good things I want to do, I don’t
do. The evil things I don’t want to do, I do." St. Paul echoes Plato’s
comments, but St. Paul, with the benefit of Revelation, knows why there
is an internal disturbance and that it can be traced back to our first
parents, who said, “God, you are not our Father, and we are not your
children.”
The Church, then, offers a full understanding of the inner turmoil
experienced by all of us, including persons with same-sex attraction.
Yet many critics say that Catholic prohibitions against same-sex unions
caused that inner turmoil.
The Church tells us that the desire for physical expression in the
sexual realm can only be fulfilled in a way in keeping with the gift of
our humanity, which is made plain in nature by the sexual
complementarity of men and women and the procreative power of the sexual
faculty.
Throughout sacred Scripture, male and female are described in nuptial
terms. Christ describes his relationship with the Church, and therefore
with individual souls, as a relationship between a bridegroom and a
bride. The Church is understood to be feminine, and Our Lady, we say, is
the archetype of the Church. The Church follows the example of Our
Lady’s fiat in a thoughtful and deliberate “Yes.”
This “nuptial” or spousal relationship — the mystical marriage between
God and humanity, Christ and the Church and Christ and the individual
soul — has an icon in the complementarity of a man and a woman.
If we reflect upon the distinction in humanity between male and female,
we ask ourselves: “Is there a moral and spiritual significance?” The
Church has said, “Yes, there is.” She does not approach the question of
homosexuality without an understanding of our identity, as it is
revealed by nature and sacred Scripture.
So the inner turmoil must be addressed in the light of this truth. Nothing else will bring peace.
When two people enter into a conversation, they presume the other party
will respect the goal and purpose of speech and community — to the best
of their ability to convey the truth.
If we bring that expectation of true fulfillment to the sexual realm,
we have to ask: “What makes that fulfillment possible, and what can
frustrate it?” In Matthew 19:5-4, Our Lord tells us that the only
authentic way our hope can be realized is if the “two shall become one
flesh” in the only manner revealed to us by our humanity: that, from the
beginning, God made them “male and female.”
His teaching verifies that we often fail to seek out authentic intimate relationships.
If we open the Catechism to the
Sixth Commandment,
we see there are different ways that man can act contrary to the gift
of his humanity, resulting in great sadness, pain and loss of joy, not
only divorce and adultery, but also fornication, contraception and
pornography.
The sexual sphere brings with it a distinctively intense satisfaction
that is unlike anything else. For that reason, the Church asks for a
more thoughtful reflection of how we enter into that sphere.
While many demand that the Church retreat from its prohibition
against same-sex unions, Courage continues to grow, and many people seek
your counsel and participate in support groups.
Those who seek Courage do so because they feel that interior disquiet
in the sexual sphere in particular. More than a few members have said,
“Thank God the Church has consistently offered the fullness of truth. I
might at times have wanted to hide from it, but the light of truth and
the warmth of God’s grace and mercy have brought me back.”
All of us have conflicting voices within us. We need to know how to
interpret them and thus to act in a more authentically human and loving
way. When we make choices in the light of truth, we act with virtue.
Our members have had to pick themselves up over and over again. They
don’t come to Courage because of a condemning or angry voice of the
Church. They come because they see the thoughtfulness, the tenderness
and the understanding the Church offers to help with the interior
struggle that everyone but the Blessed Virgin Mary has experienced. It
doesn’t mean they have stopped feeling strong urges, but they do find
understanding, charity and fellowship.
How have families of your members been part of this struggle? You offer a separate group for families called Encourage.
Within the family, there is a great deal of suffering, whether the
child is a teenager or an adult. No parents want to be estranged from
their child, and no child wants to be estranged from his parents. The
fear of estrangement causes great sorrow.
When I meet with the family, I try to encourage them to regain a sense
of peace, which Augustine calls the “tranquility of order,” and to take
counsel from many sources, including the Church.
In recent years, some critics of reparative therapy, which helps
persons to overcome their unwanted same-sex attraction, say it’s wrong
to connect sexual attraction with family dynamics and thus “blame”
parents for their child’s condition. What’s the right approach to this
sensitive issue?
There is nothing in our work or in the mind of the Church that says,
“Here is the cause and the effect of family relationships that always
leads to same-sex attraction.” As human beings, we are far too complex
to offer simplistic explanations.
Let me make a few points first before we address family issues per se.
The data show that a person with same-sex attraction is seven times
more likely to have experienced sexual abuse as a child or a minor.
I don’t say that everyone who is a victim will grow up to have same-sex
attraction. But sexual contact, even when it’s unsolicited, leaves
something in its wake. It’s not too much to say that people could have a
distorted understanding of themselves if they were initiated into this
sphere in the wrong way before they were mature.
Another issue is the question of perception on the part of people with
same-sex attraction: How do they perceive themselves and members of the
same and opposite sex?
We have filters through which we perceive reality. Some may not be
helpful, and some may be truly distorting. We need humility, the virtue
most closely associated with truth; otherwise, our perceptions may be
inaccurate.
Family relationships can be decisive in the life of a child: the way
the father loves the mother and the mother loves the father. That is
formative for our own identity and for our relationship with members of
the opposite sex.
Then there is the relationship between parent and child and how
perception can influence the child’s understanding of it. For example,
do they feel they have not lived up to their parent’s expectations?
Please understand that I am not blaming parents, but, in humility, we
can see why people ask questions about familial relationships because
they are so important to us.
When we are dealing with parents, we try to keep them away from two
poles — self-condemnation and self-justification. Neither extreme is
useful, nor does it express humility or the truth.
The mind is searching for connections all the time. There is nothing
wrong with asking: “What caused this?” But in a realm of deep emotion
and complexity, we need peace of mind and heart before we can
thoughtfully address anything.
I also try with parents to guard against the “emergency room” model.
When a child is injured or ill, it is a natural response for the parent
to say, “I will take you to the emergency room to get this fixed.”
But if a young man or woman says to the parent, “This is who I am,” it
is not good for the parent to say, “Don’t worry; we can fix you.” The
child is not a problem to be fixed, and the child may also say, “I don’t
need to be fixed.”
How should parents approach this challenge in a loving and respectful manner?
Christian parents seek to form their children after the mind and heart
of Christ, so that the child will choose to live in a manner consistent
with the Gospel, embracing the new life it proposes.
The parents’ example is critical. At the outset, parents must bring
themselves to the foot of the cross and ask for the comfort of Our Lady,
who stands there with them, and to appeal to the goodness of her Son to
give them grace.
This struggle can go on for years, even decades. Without the grace of
the cross, an authentic sacramental life, a commitment to prayer and a
deep and personal relationship with Jesus Christ, this will be
tremendously difficult.
It is easy to see how parents become discouraged and angry, so we
cannot approach this challenge without deepening the foundations of our
spiritual life. We cannot give what we do not have.
Has the growing acceptance of same-sex relationships and advocacy
of same-sex “marriage” influenced young adults' choices to act on their
same-sex attraction?
One particular challenge is social media. I am not condemning it, but
when I was a child, my parents knew my friends and were aware of the
outside influences in my life and in the house.
Today, children are growing up in a different world, and they are
exposed to a lot of people that their parents know nothing about.
By the time parents come to us, their teenage child has often heard a
chorus of voices from outside the family and the Church through social
media. A higher degree of vigilance is necessary because there is more
vulnerability and access to a wide range of voices.
Still, we can say to young people, “Do you want to go to heaven and be
with Jesus?” Man has a supernatural end that cannot be satisfied by the
goods of this world. If we have a desire for something that lasts
forever, that is the pearl of great price, and we have to go to that
Voice that can tell us how to preserve our inheritance. We have to
elevate the conversation.
It must be hard for parents to affirm Church teaching when it may
cause their child to turn away from them. Some come to believe they must
support same-sex “marriage” to show their love for their children.
There can be a misplaced compassion and sentimentality that does not
acknowledge the nuptial nature of man and the fullness of the Gospel
teaching with regard to chastity. Chastity is part of the Good News!
When a child tells his parents he is attracted to members of the same
sex, some parents respond by saying, “If this is how you feel, I can’t
say your feelings are wrong, so you are free to act on them.”
In John 8:3-11, the Lord spoke to the woman caught in adultery, which
is one of the acts against marriage. Our Lord forgave her, but also
called her to conversion.
Our charity for any people with same-sex attraction should lead us to
listen to why they feel as they do and to help them to try and
understand themselves in a way consistent to the Gospel.
In John 8:32, Jesus says, “You can know the truth, and the truth will
set you free.” That truth is not just about our eternity; it is also
about the real source of joy in this life.
To abandon that truth will not bring us to authentic human freedom. The
Lord established that the good of freedom is preserved by the good of
truth. Our desires must be purified and properly directed according to
reality. We will not move in the direction of freedom if we shun that
reality.
The men and women of Courage have changed my priesthood. They have
given me a greater understanding through their own example of the heart
of Jesus Christ.
For more information: Courage/ Encourage holds an annual conference.
The 2013 conference is July 25-28 at the University of St. Mary of the Lake in Mundelein, Ill..JPG)
